Understanding Unmasking

Who Masks?

Different Brains and Bodies

Masks are worn on the outside to hide or soften what feels "different" from those around us. This is common among neurodivergent people and others with disabilities.

Understanding your own unique abilities and challenges — or those of someone you support — opens the door to embracing differences and finding accommodations, adaptations, and skills that actually fit.

Neurodivergent Brains

Neurodivergent people include those with: Autism, ADHD, processing disorders, Tourette Syndrome, learning disorders, intellectual differences, OCD, bipolar disorders, epilepsy, Down Syndrome, schizophrenia, synesthesia, trauma disorders (PTSD and CPTSD), chronic anxiety, and some depressive disorders.

Neurodivergent brains often present with "spiky profiles" — areas of significant strength alongside areas of significant challenge, more so than in the general population. This unevenness can mean the mask is also uneven: some traits are easier to hide, others are not. Exploring your own profile can help build a more authentic sense of self and open up better strategies for navigating the world.

Neurodivergent brains often use monotropic thinking and bottom-up processing. Think of it this way: neurotypical thinking is like a lamp in a dark room — wide, soft light. Neurodivergent thinking is more like a flashlight — narrower, but intensely focused, which drives deep concentration and can make transitions harder.

Neurotypical brains tend to use top-down processing, relying on prior experience and expectations. Neurodivergent brains tend to use bottom-up processing, building understanding from perception and sensory input. Neurotypical brains often see the forest first, then the trees. Neurodivergent brains often see the trees first and build the picture of the forest from there.

People who mask — especially with an uneven mask — may have a history of misdiagnosis. The same executive functioning skills used for everyday tasks are also used for masking. When masking isn't planned around the energy it costs, the drain can become unsustainable, leading to burnout or difficulty recovering.

Disability

Acknowledging disabilities and validating the experiences of disabled people is empowering. Both the medical and social models of disability offer useful perspectives.

The medical model defines disability as decreased functioning in the mind or body, locates the problem internally, and focuses on reducing or eliminating it.

The social model also defines disability as decreased functioning, but locates the problem externally — in the environment — and focuses on increasing accessibility through accommodations and adaptations.

Some people mask as a way to reduce the internal shame that comes when others dismiss their experiences. Disabilities may be visible, invisible, or dynamic — meaning they present differently depending on the day, place, or situation — and all can be sources of shame and masking.

Part Two

What Is Unmasking?

Validating your own experiences — or those of someone you support — is foundational throughout this entire process.

Defining Unmasking

Unmasking is a deeply personal and unique experience. It is not simply shedding superficial layers.

Not everyone masks. Most people make minor adjustments in how they present themselves depending on the situation. Masking is an extreme version of this, and over time it can lead to diminished functioning.

Unmasking is a process in which a person lets go of their constructed self while unearthing their authentic self. It requires healthy support and relationships along the way.

• Unmasking is learning to reflect yourself rather than others.

• It is being vulnerable and authentic.

• It is advocating for your needs and setting healthy boundaries.

• It is not about being "quirky or cute."

• Unmasking includes addressing trauma and looks different for every person.

• It is a difficult process that requires support and care.

Unmasking is like unearthing treasure — not the movie version, where the hero stumbles into a fully intact trove. It is more like archaeology: carefully assessing, surveying, and gathering tools to dig, categorize, and document the pieces until a deeper understanding begins to emerge.

Masking exists on a spectrum from high to low. Higher masking may mean a person never fully unmasks, or only does so when alone. Lower masking means the person masks less intensely or less frequently. Gender can play a role: in many contexts, women face higher social pressure to conform and higher rates of late diagnosis, which can intensify masking. The goal of unmasking is not perfection — it is living authentically with intentionality and healing the nervous system.

Validating Your Experience

Unmasking comes with a wide range of emotions. Many neurodivergent people developed their masks as a survival tactic. It can feel both threatening and exciting to begin unmasking. But the overuse of masks comes at a cost: significant energy drain, a negative self-image, shame spirals, burnout, and regression of skills.

Unmasking is a blooming. Some flowers need more space, time, and gentle care.

Over time, the armor of a mask can begin to feel like a second skin. For some, a mask may never be fully gone. Unmasking is not the ripping off of a skin — it is a slow process of unburying, combining, and understanding.

Creating Safe Environments

Safety matters throughout the unmasking process. It's worth thinking through safety across different areas of your life — home, work or school, and other shared spaces — including physical, emotional, spiritual, economic, and relational safety.

You do not have to show your unmasked self to everyone. Unmasking is about autonomy and intentionality. It is also worth noting that when people-pleasing has been the baseline, asserting boundaries can feel aggressive — even when it is not. Having spaces where big emotions can be processed, internally and externally, is vital.

People in the process of unmasking may yawn, laugh, cry, or even yell. Rage is not an overreaction. It can be the first spark of reignition — like the tingling pain of blood returning to a limb that went numb.

Part Three

The Process of Unmasking

For some neurodivergent people diagnosed later in life, unmasking can feel like trying on a new identity — exploring traits and personality features on the path to finding an authentic self.

Unmasking is about opening up creativity and autonomy. It includes learning or relearning to be creative — to be an artist. Filling yourself with joy, excitement, and creation is part of the process.

It took years of hard work to build your mask. It will take time to reconnect with your authentic self — years, decades, or even a lifetime. Unmasking also requires energy, so checking in on your current energy levels and planning for recovery matters.

The Phases

The process involves grieving the curated self and learning to live intentionally as the authentic self. Along the way it often moves through these phases:

• Evaluate — assess authenticity, risks, and distress signals

• Excavate — uncover suppressed needs, live intentionally

• Emerge — unearth the authentic self

• Embrace — heal, express emotions, accept yourself

• Embody — live as your authentic self

Unmasking can include crisis points — existential crises, identity crises — where a person faces a choice: to remask, retreat, resist, or rebel, on the way toward reframing their experiences. It is not an on/off switch, and it may necessarily include the radical acceptance of diagnoses and disabilities.

Evaluate

In the early stages of unmasking, it helps to assess the risks and rewards and to notice distress symptoms. This includes identifying when your nervous system is activated, recognizing the level of threat it is experiencing, understanding your own threat responses, and identifying ableism and unhealthy versus healthy scripts.

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers — they return the nervous system to a calm state. Starting a list of enjoyable sensations, comfort objects, and stims or fidgets can be a powerful first step.

Functional Freeze

Functional freezes are common after long-term masking and can make it difficult to feel emotions or locate glimmers. A functional freeze happens between fight-or-flight and the full freeze state — the chemicals of fight-or-flight allow the person to appear functional, but with the shutdown of the freeze state underneath.

People in a functional freeze may describe "going through the motions" or "feeling numb but still doing what needs to be done." Many have internalized the narrative that this is "being lazy" — confronting that script is a critical part of unmasking.

Masking impacts motivation and energy significantly, and regaining that — or finding new internal sources of it — can be complicated. Masking also involves constant hyperobservation of others, which further drains energy. Skills regression is also possible: some skills that were part of the mask may fall away during burnout, because they were never built around genuine needs.

Neurodivergent people may feel a "void," numbness, or depression-like symptoms when their interests shift. Recognizing those changes can help make sense of the down times as the journey continues.

Excavate

As suppressed needs are uncovered, excavation involves reframing experiences, finding healthy stims, and reconditioning threat responses. It also means practicing vulnerability, de-shaming unique ways of expressing emotions, and normalizing individual needs and differences.

The art of excavation requires the right tools. Here's how archaeological tools translate to the unmasking process:

• Shovel — Major experiences, like trauma, need to be addressed as a whole before being broken down further.

• Trowel — Smaller unresolved experiences may need more delicate, body-based approaches.

• Brush — Healthy language and reframing sweep away what no longer serves.

• Bucket — Journals or blogs hold thoughts and memories while sorting happens more slowly.

• Pickaxe — Narrative work can loosen deeply stuck pieces before they can surface.

• Sieve — Journaling can sift carefully to find what was missed.

• Measuring tools — Trackers give context and structure to experiences and memories.

• String and stakes — Healthy boundaries are essential, and sometimes need reinforcement or even tangible representation.

• Radar — Sensory soothing and stimulation, like music, can help uncover deeper material.

• Magnetometer — When feeling lost, returning to values and needs acts like a compass.

Emerge

There may be grief for the person you constructed with your mask, as you move toward reconciliation with who you actually are. An existential crisis during this phase is not unusual. Reframing and de-shaming past experiences and relationships can build resilience through these crisis points.

Emerging unmasked may require rebalancing some relationships, coping with vulnerability, and navigating the discomfort of not filling silences, releasing scripted interactions, sitting with social ambiguity, and simply being perceived by others.

Looking back at childhood can help. Try things you enjoyed as a child, or things you were never allowed to do but dreamed about. Safety is always the priority in those experiments.

HALT Check-In

A simple check-in tool for grounding in the body:

• H — Hungry?

• A — Angry?

• L — Lonely?

• T — Tired?

Express

As unmasking continues, communication and social dynamics often shift. Advocating for yourself across different settings becomes a bigger part of life. This may include therapy, medications, or both, as well as identifying and accessing support systems: mental health professionals, medical professionals, family, friends, community resources, and other supportive people and organizations.

Some people encounter pushback as they unmask, including being infantilized by people in their lives or by strangers. Unmasking involves giving attention to and expressing the undeveloped and underdeveloped parts of the self. It means learning to trust yourself and your instincts. It can feel lonely.

Masking can lead to connecting inauthentically — both to yourself and to others. For some, unmasking reveals a fear that some people only liked them because of the mask and the fawning. This is exactly why building a healthy community and developing a genuine relationship with yourself matters so much.

Engage with hobbies. Read a book. Try creative arts — pottery, painting, woodworking, knitting, photography. Put together puzzles. Play games. Spend time with others and alone. Engage authentically in safe social situations.

It helps to lead with your values when expressing yourself or advocating for your needs. Rehearsing and scripting can support communication, but be careful not to rely on them to the point of losing yourself. Encourage a growth mindset over a fixed one: a fixed mindset holds that talents and abilities are static; a growth mindset allows for change and growth through challenge.

Embody

Embodying the authentic self includes moving through grief for the person you spent so much of your life constructing. It means expressing your needs, identifying and using accommodations, and developing a plan to access the resources needed to fulfill those needs.

It also means exploring and engaging in healthy stims; talking, singing, and voicing inner thoughts aloud; pursuing interests and hobbies; practicing healthy self-talk and internal narratives; and engaging in healthy socialization.

Unmasking is not reversing social skills. Unmasking is an internal process that may be externally observable at times. The work takes place on the inside. Learning to listen to your body — non-judgmentally — and learning to trust its signals is a core part of this stage.

Masking is about acting, not about emotions. Unmasking is about feelings, not about behaviors.

Part Four

Emotional Regulation and Safety

Developing and using emotional regulation skills is a key part of reconditioning threat responses and healing the nervous system.

Factors That Shape the Journey

Certain factors can significantly impact the unmasking process:

• Attachment issues, safety concerns, and any history of trauma, neglect, or abuse

• Whether adequate support systems and resources are in place

• Relevant medical considerations, including hormone changes like puberty and menopause

• Current resilience skills and the ability to recover energy

• Any current or past suicidal ideation, non-suicidal self-injurious behaviors, or harmful stims

Race, gender, sexual orientation, and other minority identities may further complicate unmasking. Minority populations face higher risks, and the additional systemic and societal barriers involved are real. Masking is, in many ways, a form of privilege — it is most often seen in people with moderate to lower support needs. Those with higher support needs may be unable to mask their differences at all.

Unmasking can also affect family dynamics, and those close to the person unmasking may need support of their own as things shift. Substance use is also worth considering — alcohol and drug misuse can suppress needs and the authentic self, and addressing this may be an important part of the process.

Emotional Regulation

As unmasking progresses, bringing awareness back into the body and learning to assess energy and nervous system activation becomes central. What matters most is creating a sense of felt safety — meaning the nervous system is safe enough to feel, and to complete its threat cycles.

Healthy unmasking heals the nervous system. Caring for physiological needs is the first layer of regulation: going to the bathroom when needed, standing up when stiff, drinking water, eating when hungry, and resting when tired are all acts of regulation.

Somatic Exercises

Somatic exercises focus on internal body awareness. They can slow down the nervous system, prevent overwhelm, and increase circulation and restfulness.

Bilateral stimulation activates both sides of the brain simultaneously, helping shift toward a calm state. One option is the Butterfly Hug: cross your hands over your chest and tap or rub alternating sides while taking deep breaths. A full-body version is also an option.

Circle Spine Movement: Sit or stand in a sturdy, comfortable position. Pivot at the waist in a slow circular motion, as far as the body allows, with a deep breath.

Psychological Sigh: Take in a large breath, then exhale emphatically.

Bodily Awareness: Look in a mirror and observe yourself — paying attention to bodily and facial movements.

The T.I.P.P. Skill

T.I.P.P. triggers the Mammalian Diving Reflex — a reset mechanism common to all mammals, similar to restarting a device when it's lagging. The goal is to approximate the nervous system reset of a cold-water plunge.

T

Temperature

Find a cold bag of peas, run cold water on your face or wrists, or turn up the cold air. This pushes the body into a heightened state to begin the reflex cycle.

I

Intense Exercise

Spike the heart rate briefly — run in place, throw air punches, or stand and sit quickly and repeatedly — just long enough to mimic the fight-or-flight flood.

P

Paced Breathing

After the intensity, begin slow, deep, even breathing to guide the body back toward a calm state.

P

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Move through the body top to bottom. Squeeze each muscle group as hard as possible, then release fully. Squeeze and relax. Squeeze and relax.

Grounding and Distress Tolerance

5-4-3-2-1: Name five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Adjust the order or number for each sense to fit your own needs — the only right way is the one that works.

Sensory-seeking behaviors can also help: bringing a favorite item, rubbing a soothing blanket, squeezing a stuffed animal, or using non-harmful stims and fidgets like rocking or hand-flapping.

Body scans, with or without progressive relaxation, involve moving attention through the body to notice any signals and check whether there are needs to acknowledge.

Mindful activities — like mindful walking or mindful eating — connect the mind and body in the present moment using the five senses. In a mindful walk, for example, you might notice the taste of your water, the sight of cracks in the road, the sensation as your foot hits the pavement, the smell of nearby grass, and the sounds of birds or passing cars.

Meditation and visualization exercises can also support distress tolerance, as can dance and calming sessions that combine a sensory-soothing environment with relaxation techniques.

Co-Regulation

Co-regulation requires an emotionally safe environment. It can include: modulating speech, consensual touch, focusing on feelings, help managing emotions, ongoing reciprocity like validation, and empathetic non-judgmental language that supports the development of healthier narratives.

It is worth noting that many of the skills involved in co-regulation overlap significantly with the skills used in masking — because masking often means co-regulating for others. Withdrawing the mask can mean withdrawing that co-regulation, which can present real challenges and risks.

As the nervous system returns to regulation, it can look like laughing, crying, yelling, or yawning — all signs of progress. Anger and rage are normal emotions and may need to be released in order to reach the deeper emotions underneath.

Part Five

Distress Symptoms vs. Innate Traits

It's important to understand the difference between distress symptoms and traits that are naturally part of being neurodivergent. Untreated chronic stress, overstimulation, and the suppression of traits through masking can lead to burnout, shutdowns, and an overactive threat response system.

Functional Freeze and Chronic Distress

Chronic distress can produce a functional freeze state — a blend of fight-or-flight chemicals that keep a person going with the dorsal vagal shutdown of the freeze response. From the outside, the person looks unbothered. From the inside, it may feel like "going through the motions" without emotion, or crashing completely during any downtime.

Hyper-independence often appears alongside masking and is frequently a symptom of trauma. Unmasking and living authentically means accepting the need for external support — which can be especially difficult for those who developed hyper-independence as a survival strategy in childhood.

Homeostasis vs. Allostasis

Homeostasis is how the body maintains consistent internal conditions — like body temperature staying stable whether you're outside in summer heat or inside with air conditioning.

Allostasis is how the body adapts to changing conditions — like heart rate increasing with exercise and decreasing with rest.

Allostatic overload happens when the demands of adaptation exceed the body's capacity. This can be acute, repetitive, chronic, or cumulative — a buildup across a lifetime. Masking can lead to shutting off signals from the body — hunger, exhaustion, pain — which becomes dangerous over time and needs to be addressed and healed.

Threat Response Activation

When calm and connected, we are in the ventral vagal parasympathetic state. As fight-or-flight activates, the nervous system moves into sympathetic hyperarousal. To complete this cycle, engaging with special interests, using stims, and applying emotional regulation tools can all help.

The freeze response moves through sympathetic activation into dorsal vagal hypo-arousal — prompting shutdown, dissociation, and helplessness. Reconnecting to the body can happen through body work, validation, de-shaming, and reframing.

The body is designed to produce adrenaline and cortisol in short bursts — not to sustain them chronically. When chronic fight-or-flight persists, the body shifts into freeze as a protective measure. Waking back up from that state can feel like thawing — and it can be very painful. Unfreezing can also come with immense shame. Therapeutic massage, consensual touch, and being with community can all help reduce the pain and shame.

Comparison: Distress Signals vs. Natural Traits

Living authenticallyMaskingNeeding support and communityUnmet needs, conditional independenceBottom-up processingMind-body disconnectionSensitivity beyond the typical baselineSensitivity far beyond personal baselineEnergy appropriate to activity and neurotypeDisabling energy drain, extreme fatigueStims and movement for regulationRepressed self-soothing behaviorsMeltdowns (innate to some neurotypes)Shame spirals, shutdowns, burnoutExternal demand avoidanceInternal demand avoidanceExpressing emotionsRepressing emotionsRegulated, balanced threat responseOveractive fight-or-flight or freeze responsesNatural difficulty with executive functioningDecrease from personal baselineDifficulty with transitionsExtreme anxiety, depression, intense mood changesRestricted interests, monotropic thinkingNegative self-image, self-harmActing intentionallyActing out

Recognizing the difference between natural traits and distress signals is critical. Many people wearing masks do not recognize how much distress they are actually in — and recognizing those signals can guide next steps and indicate where more accommodations and adaptations are needed.

Part Six

Normalizing Differences

Supporting the unmasking process includes normalizing differences and diversity. This can involve identifying, assessing, and using accommodations; evaluating individual risks; creating and accessing safe environments for stimming; confronting ableism and harmful internalized narratives; and finding and engaging with diverse and affirming communities for continued support.

Reframing and de-shaming involve uncovering experiences and understanding what led to unhealthy frames and scripts — like being told you are "dramatic," or that your emotions are wrong or incorrectly sized. Compassionate self-correction is useful here: non-judgmentally examining past experience and responses to learn from them and grow, while acknowledging that mistakes are common to all humans and can be opportunities for improvement.

Challenging Unhealthy Scripts

Masking is the reflection of others. Unmasking is the reflection of self. Unmasking may include crisis points as the defensive and protective nature of the mask is shed and vulnerability increases.

People carrying shame — through internalized narratives or external judgment — need sufficient support as they develop a healthier self-image and learn to create healthier narratives.

Crisis points in unmasking may include existential crises: wondering why so much time was spent masking, what might have been different if someone had told you sooner, or why others do not seem to care as much about your needs as you have always cared about theirs.

Some people experience a void or pain while letting go of their previous way of existing in the world. This existential grieving can come with depression. Identity crises are also common — not knowing who you are, or whether you ever did. This can include not knowing what you want or need.

When motivation has been driven by what others might think, feel, or say, it can disappear as that external pressure is removed. Finding new, internal sources of motivation is part of the work — including confronting self-fulfilling statements and "what if" biases, and reframing "regrets" by pursuing things not yet done rather than mourning what was missed.

Honoring and Communicating Needs

By honoring and expressing their needs, neurodivergent people can unmask and step more fully into their authentic selves. Each journey is unique and deeply personal. Along the way, it can help to:

• Lead with values and act intentionally

• Rewrite unhealthy scripts and internalized narratives

• Use emotional regulation skills to cope with ambiguity and imperfection

• Find and explore your interests

• Talk, sing, voice, and express your inner self in healthy and meaningful ways

• Understand the Double Empathy Problem and advocate for yourself when safe and able

• Move through crises

• Reflect yourself rather than others

The Double Empathy Problem

Coined by Dr. Milton, this concept offers an important reframe: communication difficulties between neurodivergent and neurotypical people are due to differences in communication style, not a lack of empathy on the part of the neurodivergent person. Models and theories that normalize and affirm innate traits and differences are worth knowing about and sharing.

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